We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
