i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
