my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Houston, we have a squirter
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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