Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
