I faked an abortion last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
