then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize