He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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