My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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