Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
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You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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