Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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