I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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