So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
