i wish my penis had a tongue
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
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believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
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It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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