Already got asked if we're dating
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
