besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
