To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
