Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm really busy with my period
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