You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
