Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
