Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
