Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
