I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
