wrigley field is MILF paradise
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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