I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
