I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
