I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
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