Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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