i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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