from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
