Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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