Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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