I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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