I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm both gender and math confused
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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