I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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