Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
