sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Pants are for mortals
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
