he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
