I am in a vortex of obligation.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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