so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
