Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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