i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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