The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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