In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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