then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
