If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
