The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
