i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
