He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
