You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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