i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
