Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
