my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
That accounts for only three of the penises
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
