I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
