The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...