apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
