i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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