My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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