Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
